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The answer should be obvious right? Of course not talking flies in the face of the advice of any couples therapist worth the paper their degree was printed on. If that's the case, why does it seem to be the first defense mechanism for so many men? For me, it didn't come early in the relationship. Early on, you're still learning about your partner. You fight, you argue, you learn where the limits are, how far you can push each other before hitting an uncompromisable wall. It's part of how the relationship gets built. But after years, kids, and a near endless string of arguments over every conceivable stumbling block, there's no longer a strong motivation to start down any argumentative road. I know exactly which way she'll turn, when I'll go to far, and when we'll both shut down. It just seems easier to shut up, separate, and have the argument in my own head. Does she do the same?
There's some sort of visceral satisfaction that comes from denying the other party closure on the argument while you let time heal your wounds. Indeed, time seems to be a faster acting healing agent for men then women; a fact I'm not afraid to exploit. But what adverse affect must be this be exacting on the relationship? Where do you go from here?
7 comments:
Well from the advice i've been getting, having the argument in your head won't work. One thing i do know is prayer works, and asking God(those that believe in God) that He will make a way. The spirt of anger and wrath is common. We have to learn how to rebuke those spirits In The Name Of Jesus Christ. For those that don't have faith in Jesus Christ this won't work so don't try it. But for those that do may God keep you and be with you wherever, whenever, and whoever your with.
Maybe having the argument in my head is my own form of prayer? It helps to bring me peace, which I think accomplishes the same goal.
Questions is, does the relationship benefit from that by not saying hurtful things to each other, or does the relationship suffer because a level of openness has been taken away?
Depends on how long the silent treatment last. It is OK for a cooling of period of a few hours. But when it goes beyond a day, then is is forum of punishment and or abuse. A marriage is all about the relationship, if you stop talking, then you are on down hill road!
Well, I never have been one to hold my feelings in, and most of the time people are so wrapped up in their own views and way of thinking, they don't take time to look @ someone else's view on things.
I once read that 50% of all arguments is simple misunderstanding anyway. Meaning one party has misinformation. And my personal experience is that has been the case in many fights of mine.
Not to mention when you don't bring closure to one argument they just build up inside of you, and next thing you know your flying off the handle about something stupid and irrelevant ,because subcontiously your trying to release anger from fights that wasn't resolved that eat @ you over time.
That's why I say get it out in open, so you can be done w/ it that way when she's flying off the handle about something, at least you'll know THATS REALLY WHAT SHE'S MAD ABOUT. ;)
I beleive that the silent treatment is detremental to a strong and loving relationship. My husband and I discuss things that are bothering one or the other and sometimes agree to disagree. This works tremendusly for us.
The worst thing you can do when something is really really bothering you is "not talk" I believe communication is effective whether or not an agreement is made or not... I have learned the hard way on more than one occasion... It is hard to talk things out at times but trying to forget it and bypass an obvious problem only allows it to grow more and become more bothersome... Best to not put off the inevitable, skip the silent treatment an talk it out :)
Silent Treatment will destroy any relationship.
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