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I LOVE the idea of my wife being able to stay at home and be a home-maker. She's been doing that for the last six months or so. I have to admit that it has not been what I expected. First issue is that our income was cut by about 30% which I thought would be the biggest issue. That was not the case.
The biggest issue was the disconnect between my expectation and what reality turned out to be. I thought we would instantly transport back to 1950 and I would come home from work, throw my figurative hat on the hat rack, kids would run up and hug my knees, dinner would be five minutes from the table, the house would be clean, I'd get a kiss on the cheek from the wife with a wink with an implication of what would come later ;-)
In reality, the house is a wreck, the kids are screaming, no one cares when I get home, we eat dinner at 9pm, and my wife is too exhausted and self-conscious to have any interest in sex. Add to that the fact that she rarely interacts with grown-up's anymore and we struggle to even converse.
Lastly, the kids seem to have become completely dependent on her and become unstable anytime she's not around. They're starting to grow out of that I think but is it a disadvantage that they have less opportunity to socialize with anyone but their mom? Does she resent me for leaving the home to go out and make money while she deals with the house?
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3 comments:
Oh wow...where to start! First of all - your kids are just fine! Once they start going to school, they will be able to socialize with other children and all will be well in the world. If you are seriously concerned, then maybe you could sign yourself up for a daddy-and-me class on the weekend?? Then you would get quality time with the kiddos and your wife can get a break.
What a lot of men might not understand is that just because we might stay at home with the children, it doesn't mean we aren't doing any work. Being a stay at home mom is extremely difficult and demanding. Not saying it is any more or less demanding than your job - just don't discredit us is all.
Dealing with fights, spit-up, screaming, crying, naps, healthy meals, cleaning up toys, trying to do household chores and keeping the kids occupied is exhausting. Dinner might not be ready until 9p, but that doesn't mean it wasn't made with love - if it wasn't then you wouldn't eat at all.
WM
Great post and thank you so much for your perspective.
First, I want to make it really clear that I'm in NO WAY trying to discredit a woman who stays home to take care of kids. My post was more to illustrate my own lack of understanding of what really goes into such an effort.
I've been trying to take the kids for a few hours at a time on the weekends to break up her routine for her. That time with the boys typically goes great, I enjoy the time with them, and we have few problems. My only concern is that when she comes back, she doesn't seem all that much more relaxed or happier than when she left. It sort of makes me feel like I didn't do her any good at all. My only hope is that she enjoys herself while she's out I guess.
What's this about a "daddy-and-me" class? I'm a super-nerd and love structured events. Do you have ideas in mind?
Thanks again for posting and helping us advance an important conversation had by couples everywhere.
I have a 3-year old and work full-time out of the house, so that's the bias my opinion comes from. I love it. I feel needed at work for my skills & expertise. And I appreciate every minute I have with my son. My husband and I are partners in everything domestic and truly share the load. Many times I feel overwhelmed, but never truly unhappy or out-of-control.
I have a lot of friends who stay home with their kids. In all honesty, my working mom friends seem to enjoy time with their kids more and are better able to multi-task than my stay-at-home mom friends. And there's at least one recent study to support this anecdotal evidence: http://vitals.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/12/9393412-working-moms-are-healthier-happier-study-finds
Whether you stay home or work out of the house, every mom needs to remember that she's an individual and make an effort to do things for herself - book club, spa days, dinners out with friends, game nights, etc. Babysitters are awesome.
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