Don’t bother rekindling your marriage … create something new

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Don’t bother rekindling your marriage … create something new

FIVE FOR FIGHTING - ALL I KNOW LYRICS

This song could save a marriage.



FIVE FOR FIGHTING - ALL I KNOW LYRICS

I bruise you 
You bruise me 
We both bruise so easily 
Too easily to let it show 
I love you, and thats all I know 

And all my plans 
keep falling through 
All my plans they 
Depend on you 
Depend on you 
To help them grow 
I love you 
And thats all I know 

When the singer's gone 
Let the song go on 
It's a fine line between 
The darkness and the dawn 

They say in the darkest night 
Theres a light beyond 
And the ending always 
Comes at last 
Endings always 
Come too fast 
They come too fast 
And they pass too slow 
I love you 
And thats all, its really all I know 
Its all I know 

Its all I know 

Does God come to us through strangers?

I had the strangest night tonight... I don't go to church. It's not a thing for me that ever really took hold. One thing that did stick with me from high school though, was to always look for Christ in others. For the most part, I've found this to be an incredible load of BS. But there are a few times in my life where I think, I don't know, maybe.

Tonight was such a night.

I was out with friends at a wine bar celebrating the departure of one our co-workers who's moving out of state. At first it started out as just friends from work. We did the usual thing where we ate, drank, and overall had a good time. At the end of the night however, there was this couple who slid into our booth out of nowhere. To be honest, it was a bit of an imposition. We were sort of winding down and getting ready to leave but in they slide, ready to party.

They are clearly of the exact age of our parents. They start shooting off stories about the times they shared at our age. I'm bored as usual.

Then he says a couple things that I can't shake. Three rules: don't ever waste an erection, don't ever pass a bathroom, and never trust a fart. I know, dumb shit you can find on the side of a bathroom stall or in an Irish folk song. Whatever, it got my wine soaked attention.

He ordered two bottles of red and a bottle of white, and glasses for all of his new friends; clearly communicating his intention to stay awhile. At $10 a glass, who were we to rush out? Then the wife quietly orders every appetizer on the menu... I think literally. We greedily devour the food as he continues too fill our glasses.

I listen to him and continue to think, this guy is the typical blowhard I see at the yacht club or an "Executive" in a meeting. He tells us of the money he's had, and lost etc. Then he changes pace a little bit and does something I like to do sometimes. He poses a provocative question and goes around the table and lets everyone answer individually. When I do it, I like it to force someone to reveal something substantial about themselves, even if the question seems innocuous. Call me strange, you won't be the first, but I like to ask people if they would be vampires given the choice. I feel that the answer tells me if they are happy or not in their current life. If you're happy, why not live eternally? Miserable? Why would I want to be immortal?

This guy asked a pretty innocent question: What's the coolest place you've ever been? I didn't pick an obvious answer. I didn't say, in the delivery room when my kids were born. I didn't say, my wedding. I didn't even chose a time in college which I openly proclaim to be the best years of my life to date. Instead, I spoke of Fraiser Island. I expounded about a beach overlooking mainland Australia as the sun went down, revealing stars I'd never seen before on an island where power had been cut. The rest of the story I keep to myself. The fact is, what made that night so great was the fact that I was there on that beach with a girl who I thought, no I was, falling in love with. I know, 15 years old, what could I know about love... but isn't that the strongest kind? You don't know better. You know no responsibility. That new experience is the most important thing in your life.

Of course the whole story is a lie. The most exciting place I'd ever been was a day or two later when I woke up on the balcony of a hotel in Sydney as the sun rose. I opened my eyes for the first time next to a girl who was not a virgin and who liked me very much. Being in bed with her the night before, my vision blurred as it has done only one other time since, as I put my hand up her shirt to caress the largest tits I've ever touched to date... But I found the beach thing to be more table appropriate.

From there, the wife couldn't stop making eye contact. Not so much in a sexual way, but in a way that indicated, maybe I understood the purpose of the evening. The husband droned on as a proud Papa about his daughter and her recent scholarship. Then he said something else that seemed oddly ancient in its wisdom. He said, "you guys are still at the age where you think money matters." I tried to stop from laughing out loud but I'm not sure I did. He re-filled my wine glass right away. He continued to explain that life really has nothing to do with your bank account or what possessions you have. He was clear that he had not always maintained this truth. He saved his whole life to pay for his kids to go to school, then she earned a full scholarship. In the end he had a bunch of money but really valued the time he was spending with us, his new friends, right there, in the moment more than he did the dollars in his bank account. "I can't take the money with me, and there are only so many minutes left in my life where I can spend it enjoying good food, good wine, and good company."

I felt that I should just cry right there at the table. All I do is work and try to bring in more money to make it easier to be happy. Meanwhile, my kids are growing up and I don't really know them. What's wrong with me?

The night carried on without much more adieu. Eventually, the wine was empty, his daughter was calling, and they had to go. They joked that they had to go foot the bill for some other kids but it was in very good humor I remarked multiple times of their generosity and they rolled it right off their back, like they didn't even hear. The wife doled out big hugs as she said goodbye to us, but when she got to me, she kissed me right on the lips. Again, not in any sort of a sexual way, almost with a motherly affection. I told her she was a blessing, very out of character for me. She again ignored my acknowledgments and asked if she could get us anything else before she left. We thanked her profusely and bid them a lovely evening. As he wrapped his arm around her, he said to her privately, "come on, let's go party."

I still don't know their names.

I think what I'll miss the most off the evening is watching her watch him. You could tell she'd heard the stories a thousand times at a thousand other tables. Nonetheless, she looked at him with admiration, as though she was listening for the first time. I miss seeing that our of the corner of my eye.

Politics: Does it bring your marriage closer or is it a wedge?

Watching the republican debate has inspired me to pose this question.  For me, politics is a pet passion.  I love watching the debates, town hall meetings, posturing etc., especially on the Presidential level.  My wife is not interested in politics which doesn't bother me.  I wouldn't want to introduce yet another strain on our marriage should we disagree.  When it comes up, she seems to agree with me, but presumably only because she's only listening to my point of view.

I imagine that if we were to disagree on politics it would become a major wedge in our relationship.  Some of the issues; abortion, welfare, war, speak directly to the character of a person in my opinion.

What's your experience with politics in your relationships?

Scheduled Sex

With age, comes compromise. I used to love laughing at couples who found it necessary to actually schedule sex with their partner. How unromantic and lame can a couple get?

Years of marriage and two kids later I've learned that scheduled sex is better than no sex at all. Where's my calendar?

Do you fight over watching football?

It's opening day!  Do you and your spouse argue about how much he watches sports?  Do you make compromises?  Tell us about it.

Who controls the money in your marriage?

Are you an alpha male who refuses to let your wife handle the money?  Smart enough to know she's more likely to pay the gas bill on time?  Or do you share the responsibilities at home?

By today's standards, there are many more two income families in the US than there were 30 years ago.  Has there also been a shift in who handles the money?  For my family, I handle all the bills.  Let's face it, with online banking it's not exactly rocket science anymore and in about 10 minutes every other week I can pay all the bills, see how we did for the month, and run through the credit card statement (shocking how many times Starbucks seems to pop in as a line item!).  

The real issue here, I think, is the communication about the family financial outlook.  Where I fail is in not setting a budget we need to live within.  So why would I be upset if she spends $85 on a new dress and a few things for the kids?  Although I think it makes sense to have one person responsible for ensuring the bills get paid, it's just as important that there be an agreed upon family strategy on long term (Education, retirement, investments) and short term (food, utilities, entertainment, travel) goals.

I've been accused of treating my family as a business and I'm not looking to perpetuate that stereotype.  At the same time, I would encourage any reader out there to consider having a scheduled meeting with your significant other to help ensure your family's financial well being.

What's your perspective on this issue?

Citations:
MyBudget360

Is The Silent Treatment an Effective Form of Marital Discord?

The answer should be obvious right? Of course not talking flies in the face of the advice of any couples therapist worth the paper their degree was printed on. If that's the case, why does it seem to be the first defense mechanism for so many men? For me, it didn't come early in the relationship. Early on, you're still learning about your partner. You fight, you argue, you learn where the limits are, how far you can push each other before hitting an uncompromisable wall. It's part of how the relationship gets built. But after years, kids, and a near endless string of arguments over every conceivable stumbling block, there's no longer a strong motivation to start down any argumentative road. I know exactly which way she'll turn, when I'll go to far, and when we'll both shut down. It just seems easier to shut up, separate, and have the argument in my own head. Does she do the same?

There's some sort of visceral satisfaction that comes from denying the other party closure on the argument while you let time heal your wounds. Indeed, time seems to be a faster acting healing agent for men then women; a fact I'm not afraid to exploit. But what adverse affect must be this be exacting on the relationship? Where do you go from here?

Wife vs. Mom

Based on the number of jokes and stereotypes out there I know I'm not alone on this one.  I have a great mom who's always willing to help whenever she can.  But for some reason my wife refuses the help and takes a seemingly passive aggressive stance towards my mom at every turn.  These are the two most important women in my life, they're both great people, yet they refuse to get on the same page.  From my perspective, the animosity seems to be pretty one sided, from my wife towards my mom.

When we first got married it wasn't so evident.  In fact, my mom may have been the more stand offish one at that point.  I can wrap my head around that a little in that a mother views herself as the most important woman in your life and now she sees that change to your wife... ok, I get it.  But now that we have kids, why would my wife keep my mom at arms length?  It pisses me off and puts me in an awkward position every time we're in the same room!

Share your thoughts, stories, theories on this.  I know you have one in you.

How much TV should kids watch?

One thing I've learned as a father of two toddlers is that the TV can be a great babysitter!  I'm assuming video games will follow in a few years but for now I'm concerned about how much TV is "appropriate" for a toddler.

According to the internet, which never lies, two thirds of infants and toddlers watch TV for an average of 2 hours per day.  The number of hours rises to 4 per day for kids aged 8-18.

Between movies and TV, my kids, both under 3, watch at least 4-5 hours.  What's your opinion?

Related Article

Twins?!

Before our first son was born I always thought how great it would be to have twins (a boy and a girl) and then be done with baby making.  I'd have my boy and my girl and be able to go through the whole thing at once.  Now I have two boys but they're 15 months apart.  When I think back to my earlier thoughts of wanting twins I just shake my head and laugh about how little I knew of the challenges of raising one, let alone two at the same time!  It's funny, now I hear my friends with no kids making the same argument I had at that time and I just sort of laugh.

Do you have twins?  Is it as impossible as I imagine or do you think it's easier having them progress through the Stages of Life simultaneously?

Should mom stay at home or go to work?

I LOVE the idea of my wife being able to stay at home and be a home-maker.  She's been doing that for the last six months or so.  I have to admit that it has not been what I expected.  First issue is that our income was cut by about 30% which I thought would be the biggest issue.  That was not the case.

The biggest issue was the disconnect between my expectation and what reality turned out to be.  I thought we would instantly transport back to 1950 and I would come home from work, throw my figurative hat on the hat rack, kids would run up and hug my knees, dinner would be five minutes from the table, the house would be clean, I'd get a kiss on the cheek from the wife with a wink with an implication of what would come later ;-)

In reality, the house is a wreck, the kids are screaming, no one cares when I get home, we eat dinner at 9pm, and my wife is too exhausted and self-conscious to have any interest in sex.  Add to that the fact that she rarely interacts with grown-up's anymore and we struggle to even converse.

Lastly, the kids seem to have become completely dependent on her and become unstable anytime she's not around.  They're starting to grow out of that I think but is it a disadvantage that they have less opportunity to socialize with anyone but their mom?  Does she resent me for leaving the home to go out and make money while she deals with the house?

Man Cave

I've recently constructed a "man cave" in my house.  It seemed a little selfish at first, and maybe it still is.  But, having my own space in my house where no one else is allowed has been one of the best things I've done for myself in a very long time.  I'm completely wired in to my office so I can work from home, I have guitars that I can practice at my leisure, video games, dart board, a pull out couch, you can't beat it!

The only drawback is that I do see it pulling me away from my family from time to time.  I tend to come home from work and lock myself up in here.  When the wife and I fight, I have a haven to retreat to, rather than lay in bed angry like I used to.  Either way, I'll never have a house without my own space again!

Do you have a man cave?  What's the best part about yours?

Two Toddlers: Wife has no interest in sex

I love my wife.  But it's gotten harder every day since we had our first son.  Now that we've had our second, I feel like a second class citizen in my own home.  She doesn't communicate with me, seems resentful of me, and sex has become a major inconvenience that she only tolerates from time to time.  I have no doubt that being a stay at home mom is incredibly hard and must be exhausting, but there comes a point where I can't get my head past certain things.

I'm a male in my late 20's and sex is not something that's ever far from my mind.  She keeps telling me how I wouldn't want to have sex with her because her body isn't what it was before the kids were born (true).  I keep telling her I still think she's beautiful and she's all I've got!  What should we do, wait until she decides she's in perfect shape again?  Our youngest is over a year old.

Every time I proposition her, or even touch her in passing, she wriggles away, pushes me away, or flat out tells me to stop.  When that happens I get blind with anger and either leave to sleep in the basement, or start a days long silent treatment war.  I'm tired of it and want it to end, but I'm getting to where I don't want to put in the effort anymore.  Does it get better?